startingnow

19 December 2008 @ 02:25 am

the last few days of my life have become a blur.
i remember the burn in my nose and the warmth in my stomach and the flavor on my tongue, but everything goes blank after that.
i work a bullshit job just to get by, just to get high.
i'm cursed with the ability to feel everything so intensely.
and that's usually how i'd want it, but it's hard to remember how comforting it is to sink into nothing when i'm buying something to steal the emotion.

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17 November 2008 @ 10:22 pm

(no subject)

it hurts to try to correct myself. or to give any reasoning behind my actions.
but i have no one to tell anyway.
he doesn't want to listen.
and i understand why.
as much as he hurt me, i feel like my words did the most damage.
i'm hoping this can be fixed, but i have to expect the worst even though nothing could hurt more than what i'm feeling right now.

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04 November 2008 @ 08:53 pm

we're done

and im dead.

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04 November 2008 @ 01:41 am

it's true.

and i'll drink myself to death or at least i'll drink myself to sleep.
chain smoke the space through the gaps in between.

whiskey is my kind of lullaby.

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31 October 2008 @ 05:06 am

why can't i sleep anymore?

it's 5oh5 in the morning and i'm wide awake.
i don't know what it is about sleeping alone, but i just can't do it.

i'm not sure how much writing i'll be doing in this lj anymore. i feel like i'm only updating myself, but it doesn't really matter..life is outside of the keyboard and glowing screen.

a lot of my childhood friends are getting married and having children.
it's very strange.
so young. so much more to do, to see, to learn.
i feel as if i'm the last one to mature. but i think it's only because i'm comparing myself to how fast they're making themselves grow up.
i want to experience everything.
but i can't help feeling as if i'm just wasting time waiting for something to happen.

i want someone to look at me and see themself, i want to know that i'm a part of someone.
i want to write forever, never stopping, never blinking, never hesitating because of the reaction my words will create.
i want to be able to afford michael's birthday present. i want him to push past the "comfortable stage" and give up on trying to hold on to what he's afriad of, let go and just trust me.

these days my life revolves around working doubles, falling sleep to scary movies on my couch, smoking a lot of cigarettes, drinking entirely too much whiskey, going back and forth from house to house but only paying rent at one, bumming rides off of anyone i can, catching up on sleep in the theatres 4 hours before i go to work, wanting wanting wanting, giving, trying, breathing, crying, trying to quit even though i'm not stopping for myself, living paycheck to paycheck, and a lot of hoping.

am i really that far behind or is everyone else just moving to fast?

i'm only 20. i understand there needs to be an even amount of responsibility between adult and kid, and when the time is right i use each with the best of my ability, but it dosen't seem like it's enough. but i'm still trying. i just want to enjoy life before it's passed me. i don't see the wrong in that.
and who knows, maybe they are experienceing that. just in a different way than i want to.

all i know, is that i am in no rush to give myself wrinkles and gradnchildren.
i'm crazy and happy in these little momentsof space lost between work and sleep.
it seems to be just enough because at the end of the day, i guess you could say i'm satisfied.
i'm just waiting for the day i'm completely happy. and the day others can be completely happy with me.

i turned down the oppertunity to be a godsgirl. a lot of people think that wasn't a smart move, but those are also the people that don't see me the way he does and don't feel so strongly about me not doing that as he does.
everyone is human, but he's my little alienboy.

i'm not sure where i was going with any of this.
this was pretty much just another failed attempt to put me to sleep.
i have to be at work in less than 3 hours.

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22 October 2008 @ 06:44 pm

life.

deep. deep emotionally, deep literally, and deep physically.
you wouldn't understand.

he makes me feel like i'm always doing something wrong, like i'm always fucking up, like i have no say (and what i do say, has no relivance) in our relationship. it hurts to know that because i'm putting so much into this, i have to limit what i show him. how long is it going to take, how long am i going to have to wait, until he will allow me to make him happy? i'm tired of just being something he's content with. i want to know.

i moved out. i'm on my own now. paying my own bills. doing my own things. being my own person with no one to judge.
...living. and really expeiencing it all. soaking it all in.
jennifer is awesome.
the pets are awesome.
the trailor is awesome.
this is the start of something good.

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08 October 2008 @ 12:01 am

short and sweet.

tonight is my first night home in a little under a week.
my girl, jennifer, and i have finally started moving our stuff into OUR HOME!
after wednesday i won't have a phone until i can make payments. and i'm unsure of when that will be.
no telling how long i'll be away from the internet. jen's mom got her a laptop for the house, so brett's been trying to hook it up.
we have 3 pets.
my room is really small.
i still don't have a bed, but the couch ain't all that bad.
i'm spending too much money on cigarettes and booze, what else is new?
getting my license with my next paycheck. i've said that so many times, but i'm actually gonna do it this time.
got a second job cleaning dishes tuesday and thursday nights at jen's aunt's resturaunt. making more than i do at amc, hah.
amc is still amc.
hopefully have a 3rd job lined up.
michael and i are doing really well. i'm starting to let my guard down a lot, we've started communicating a lot more, and we're both, for the sake of the relationship and each other's feelings, working on the way we deal with stress, anger, etc.
because of that, it's been a few weeks since i cut last. it's hard, but i know that he's worth it.
got the call from kate today. bad news about a great guy. r.i.p. john.

i finally feel like i'm along for the ride in life, rather than just watching it pass by. it's good feeling.

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26 September 2008 @ 01:14 pm

the eye of the beholder

i realized this morning, the only thing stopping me from being beautiful is the lack of beauty i see in myself.
and because i compare myself to those i veiw as more beautiful.
i can't keep basing my self judgements on the way i will never look, think, or compare to.
this is who i am. this is all i've got to give.
as long as i'm comfortable with it, the possibilities are endless.
i've been doing some soul-searching these past few days. that includes forcing myself to look in the mirror, without the eyeliner, without the styled hair, and without the fancy outfits. it's been hard, but i'm finally accepting what i have and who i am.
one thing i've wanted most since the incident was to see myself how i want to be seen.
and not just through other's eyes.
through my own.
i want to accpet myself and be proud of the person i am.
i've been so blinding my lack of judgement that i have been ignoring what other people try to show me about myself.
i have my flaws, and rather than only seeing them, i now see much more.
i am not defined by what i wear, how i style my hair, or how much make-up it takes to hide the lack of self confidence.
i am everything underneath the threads, the make-up, and the styled hair.
and what i see today, is a person i lost a long time ago.
it gives me hope to say that one day i will be completely passed all of this.
i have someone who really cares about me and i haven't been paying attention to his needs or his opinions. i've only been denying myself of all the things he sees and says. i've been so confused by his actions that i haven't noticed how much of an effect MY actions have a toll on his feelings.
today, i can look at myself in the mirror like i've always wanted to. without hate, without disgust. and without boundaries.
i am who i am. and that's the beauty i've been hiding from myself.
it feels so good to exhale.

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18 September 2008 @ 08:21 pm

necessities.

i want:
my own reliable transportation. i am tired of being dependent on others to get me to and from. also, it's really hard to give out so much gas money when you only make minimum wage. and it's not their responsibility.

to be independent. i want responsibilty. i want to know what it feels like to start with nothing and work my way up. i want that gradification.

my boyfriend to act like a boyfriend again. to care. i fear that he now only views me as someone who is convenient. that he only sees me as a fuck when i'm not bleeding. and that makes him sound horrible, but he's not at all. i know he cares. i just rarely see it. i want him to make an effort. do something random just because i like it. i make those sacrifices for him whenever i can, i'd just like something in return. i want him to repsect my wishes. it is NOT okay that a girl stays the night while i'm not there. i understand it's his apartment, but i'm not comfortable with it. he should respect that and he doesn't. i want to stop getting the feeling that he's lying to me just so i don't come over. i want to be able to put some trust into our relationship, rather than the fear that he'll cheat or hurt me (emotionally, not psychically). i want to know that i'm just as big of a part of his life as he is in mine. i want him to open up to me, stop holding so much back. i want him to talk to me more throughout the day instead of the random texts i get from him or the lack of replies to mine. i want him to drive me crazy. i want him to make me show him the real me, and vica versa.

a better job. one i can actually make a decent living off of. one that i actually enjoy working at.

to stop being so confusing and ridiculous.

my friends to clean up and stop being junkies.

to leave this town and start over where no one knows me. i want to force myself to grow up. and get over the petty things.

to be open with my addiction to self mutilation without feeling like i'm being judged, without people asking me why, what's wrong, telling me they're here for me, blaming my addiction on their unhappiness.

to be more social in my community, but i feel like i have no time.

time to be more social in my community.

people to look and me and notice a change, people to look up to me.

to look in the mirror and see someone i like.

to look inside myself and see more than the beauty i find in my insanity.

to go to more shows and become more active in what's left of the scene in this town.

to acting so childish at my job. i want my coworkers and the guests to know that i'm serious and that they can't walk all over me. actually, i want everyone who sees me and/or meets me to know that.

my parents to be proud of me, to understand me, to stop feeling like they need to pray or read a fucking psychology book to understand me, i want them to accept me as who i am rather than the qualities they don't like or understand.

to get motivated enough to push myself through this phase of writer's block. and when i cross that bridge, i want to give nesbit a book of writing that moves him. and i want him to give it to those people who asked for it, and it want it to move them. and possibly earn a scholorship specifically for my honest words. and i want them to love it so much that they actually do publish it like they're considering. and when it gets published, i want whom ever read it to be moved.

to get the apprenticing job at the tatty shop so i can possibly become a tattoo artist and peircer. then, i can dress how i want, look how i want, live how i really want to live.

people to realize how beautiful emotions are instead of critisizing me for expressing them too much, putting them out there to easily.

honesty.

her to learn her place and respect my wishes.

my friends to call me first.

mama to get what she needs in rehab and stay clean when she gets out.

to see as much as i can while i'm young. i want to learn.

people to realize i'm taking advantage (not for granted) of the things they give me. i want them to know how much i appreciate them.

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12 August 2008 @ 01:34 pm

just another

yesterday was beth's brithday.
the beer is still buried with her.
i hope no one ever finds it.
because it's a good memory of her and the night with justin.

it felt like just another day.
it shouldn't have been like that.

at the last minute, timmy took the plea. he got 30 years for jessy and deanna's case. he was facing life for both girls. he took the easy way out. 60 years doens't feel like enough to me.
i want to visit him.

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16 July 2008 @ 11:56 pm

i love this song

i always said i'd never put someone else's name on my flesh. yesterday i became a hypocrite. his name is written on my skin. not deep enough to scar. just light enough to remind me for a few days that whether it's there or not, i will always see him there. on my legs. the first place he invaded. in a few days it will all fade and seem unreal. like it was just pretend. another word, across from his name.

sometimes, i'd like to just spend time with you. no one else. but others always seem to invite themselves. maybe you invite them. i know he doesn't mean to hurt me. and i'm sure pmsing is increasing the bruises on my emotions, but i'm sure the feeling would still be just as heavy. i've never been able to stay upset with him, i always push it aside. now, i'm blaming myself for making you question yourself and your actions, if you even are. i'm afraid my speaking out (or acting out whatever we choose to label this craziness) is just pushing you away, making you wish you never gave me a chance. but then i wonder why i allow myself to feel sorry for you, when i'm the one who is hurting. i still tried to look my best for you tonight, even though you blew me off last night, and even though you slept through the entire movie. i packed all of my cutest clothes and hair accessories just to impress you tomorrow, to let you know i do this because you make me happy. only to be let down again. we planned this last week, longer than that if you count anticipation. i still want to go, maybe i will. i probably won't, though. i feel like it would hurt your feelings if i took someone else to the movie. even though it's just a movie. i just wish sometimes you'd remember you're with me, not your roomate and her. you see them everyday, me-every chance i get, which lately has felt like not so much. it'd be nice if we could just have a day to ourselves. we don't have to do much. i'm not picky when it comes to you. i don't feel the need to be you're number 1 priority, but i don't like taking a backseat to people you see daily and plant you inhale numerous times daily. i wish you'd do something to remind i'm yours, but then i feel selfish and like i'm asking too much of you. we should learn to communicate. but when would we? we're always surrounded by everyone else.

i recieved a call back today about the job at suntrust. i'm calling them tomorrow morning to hopefully set up an interview.
i'm kind of afriad to get this job. because it will take time away from you. slumber parties will become rare. that's gonna suck.

i need my mommy. where are you?

Current Music: adele-hometown glory

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10 July 2008 @ 01:15 am

surprise

i talked to two of my cousins tonight. it's weird. my family is so distant. i kinda forget i have one sometimes.

these past couple of days i feel as though im caged inside myself. like im stuck in my skin. like all i need to do is speak up, but im speechless. i get around people, whether it be new people or friends i see on a regular basis, i feel the need to open up, but i cant. something in my body wont allow me to. and that makes me feel like im pushing people away or giving others the wrong impression of me.
every now and then, i want to write something deep and moving. nothing comes out. just boring words like those above this line, and those that will follow this sentence. i used to stand out, i felt. and im not even blending in. i think, im just..fading?

Current Music: my name is jonas-weezer

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29 June 2008 @ 03:31 pm

writer's block

it's in my hand:
release
the past,
the pain
(won't last)

it's in my head:
fear
the drugs,
the devil
(won't judge)

bi polar
self abortion
mind fuck
can't escape
these chains
of shame
i'm stuck

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26 June 2008 @ 10:28 am

get yer fix

im peeing for two people less than two hours apart from each other.
this will be interesting.

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20 June 2008 @ 01:16 am

the first letter in the word ignorant isn't an "n"

i hate ignorant people.
and i really hate the ignorant people who don't know when to shut the fuck up.

but i love it when the ignorant people who don't know when to shut the fuck up feel like it's okay to tap my shoulder as a way to calm me down. because i love the expression on their faces when they hear so much passionate anger pour out of my pettite body.

the hippies say violence solves nothing, but sometimes a flower as peace offering doesn't have the right effect on people. sometimes it's necessary to beat a little sense into some people.

i'm glad i was reminded i have standards and morals. mostly, i'm glad i was reminded that i'll stand my ground when they're being challenged.

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10 June 2008 @ 03:39 pm

eh?

they did the prick today. now i wait (impatiently) for 3 days. ahhhhhh.

roxanne is officially 21 and i'm abusing the privilege of having her as a bff every chance i can.
she's horrible at being 21, though. she always forgets her id.
we partied at michael and jess' last night.
i puked...twice...in honor of the occasion. no better way to show her i love her than spit out chunx of her whiskey soaked barfday cake.

(edit: she LOST her id)

i keep having to pee. it's getting annoying.
i also need to fart, but i dont think roxanne would appreciate it.
i'm still trying to teach myself how to queef on command.

michael leaves town friday. roxanne leaves tomorrow night. looks like its just me and jessticles.

im craving a road trip pretty badly. jess, jenny, and myself were talking about maybe riding over to the jacksonville zoo sometime soon. i'm excited. i want to travel farther than that, though. specifically, north. and a little to the west eventually.

chris and morgan've got this crazed idea stuck in their heads. i dont know who thought of it or how they think its gonna work, but i dont question much with them. im always dumbfounded by their responses. anyway, they plan on going going back back to cali cali, then living in EUROPE. i love my friends.

i guess this is it.
intronet at my dad's soon.
<3

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03 June 2008 @ 09:08 am

red wings won

michael is at court right now. he's been texting me on and off, keeping me updated. his pd wants him to be put on probation for at least 6 months. that's her counter offer. he and i are nervous, him more than me, that this whole thing could backfire. he may be going back to jail. and if that's the case, i'll be going bankrupt so's i can bail him out. and i really hope that doesn't happen because i wanted to go shopping today. (just kidding, im not that big of a bitch) i'm guessing the judge finally showed up because i havent gotten a response to my last text.
if he doesn't text or call me within two hours, he's in jail.
i won't have internet for awhile so if anyone (and by anyone, i mean rachel<3, wants to know what happened call me).

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22 May 2008 @ 01:24 pm

error error error

im realizing a lot.
mainly that my life is just a big blur. alcohol distorts my reality. i cant remember anything when im sober, but i remember everything when im drunk. makes no sense to me. the only sensable thing ive come to understand is its easier on everyone if im drunk. which isnt necissarily a good thing.
i feel like theres so much im missing out on. im young and i want to experience more than what i already have. ive seen a lot in 19 years, mostly bad, but im craving a life changing adventure.
i feel like i put pressure on others to make me want to change. its not up to them, i understand this, but i have no self control.
life is just moving so slowly. the days go by quickly, but i'm not living. i'm just stuck in a boring routine in an extremely bland town that i've gotten way too comfortable in.
im a mess, a peice of work. i know this all too well. i'm just having trouble figuring out where to start. how to fix all of myself.
you said we werent meant to be lovers anymore. that weighs heavily on my mind daily. slowly, im learning to walk away. it scares me, but these urges dont heal anything and im running out of room.
i've got an oppertunity to try again, but now im holding back. i want so badly to get over myself and my past, but i take a little peice of everyone and everything ive experienced with me and makes this decision even harder on me.
he doesnt deserve this.
i know what i want, im just hesitant because i know how it could end. and i would be devasted.

jon helped me out yesterday. theres a second job up for grabs (hah, i almost said crabs) just a few mintues from my apartment. i just need to find a ride so i can pick up an application. i dont want jon to feel like all of that was a waste. and i need the money.
amc wouldnt be so bad if i got paid more than minimum wage. i cant quit though, even if i get the job at wing stop. because amc is talking about making me a lead which i think is almost a dollar more than im making, plus evaluations are coming up and thatll be a small, but much needed raise.

pretty excited about tomorrow afternoon. im riding with amandas mom to go pick her up for the weekend, shes earned a home pass. i cant wait to see her. her mom says shes been doing well and that makes me happy.

Current Music: born to die-choking victim

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14 May 2008 @ 07:13 pm

self portrait

this morning i was woken up at 6 a.m.
because he saw the paint on my legs
under my breath i told the truth just to let him in
a little
too bad he refuses to read between the lines my lies write
my eyes see everything in black and white
a cigeratte rests in the middle of my mouth of madness
i taste the illness on my tongue of poetry
the patterns on my shirt make me comfortable
i just want someone as clumsy as me
and this girl, god she has so much potential
but she throws it all away
for a day, a chance to remember the weight of addiction
theres a rectangle of sunshine on the patio
she sits on parallel lines and
collapses inside herself for a moment to be free
they say come out and play
but after walking out on 3 weeks of concrete happiness she cant find any stability

it spills everywhere
stains everyone
when i take one step forward, my heart pulls two feet back
delicate arms commit such a beautiful crime
they burn with a squirt of lime
and scar with a pinch of salt
everything's my fault

fading
fading
fading
fading
waiting

small shapes on the bottom of my feet make for toes
that walk on their tips
walk on egg shells
walk in a whisper

cracking bones making noise
as i put pressure on my limbs
standing up is a hard thing to do
when youre leaves remain glued
ugly memories turn into
beauty thats taken for granted
this isnt where i was planted
oh, and im growing in 5 places at once

and there's my secrets
running down my thighs
it was just a compromise
why can't flowers grow from there?
it collects dirt from all the times he...
where?
our soil only grew weeds
trangles symbolize the things i don't need

skip over my arms
they have no power
neither does my mouth

the only things my hands are good for is digging up past pains
they only complain
they make deep oceans look like art

well, i am just a statue
take a look
take a peice
have a touch
tear me apart
make them point at every one
make them show you how it's done

and this girl
she don't have a mind
just a fake smile and uneven tan lines

mr. nesbit would be proud that i couldn't finish a poem in one sitting. he used to get so frustrated with me because i was always pleased with the outcome, on the first try. i never felt the need to edit any of my work, but this one has been taking up space on my computer for a few days now. i can't figure out which parts i like and which i dislike, how to finish it, and what to add on. it may be my first unfinished peice. and just like a journal, i won't pick up the pen again. i'll just leave it with an open ending. a really shitty open ending.

jon gets out of school soon. we're probably gonna go to the park and smoke a lot of cancer (or trees, whichever he's more in the mood for). then, have our usual ice cream date in the walmart parking lot while blasting horrible rap music. the night will end with me making an ass of myself by dancing ridiculously and him shaking his head with that smile stretched across his face..like it always ends. i'm really looking forward to spending time with him tonight. we're going to manage to sneak in a few dr. jon and dr. brittany counseling sessions while our lungs turn black and hips move from side to side. i'm going to drop a bomb on him tonight and i'm really nervous about it. hmmm

Current Music: sink- 7 year bitch

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12 May 2008 @ 02:42 pm

hollow

i look inside, but i don't find anything
just more red

the more i do it, the more depressed i get
the more i do it, the more human i feel
the more i do it, the more comfortable i get with myself
the more i do it, the clearer it becomes

i feel like this is the only relationship i will be able to hold onto
this is my wife, husband, partner, lover, enemy

Current Music: our lady peace- superman's dead

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